Well, that was quick…and a little creepy…

So yesterday, I wrote about my banking problems, in hopes that it would produce results – aka, a bank card at my house with my name on it.

The bank card did not arrive. But I did get results.

The results were in the form of a phone call, from a representative of said bank. Said bank that monitors Twitter for mentions of themselves. My note to them caught their eye, and I guess because of my name being part of my web address, they were able to deduce who I was, and called me up.

Once again reminding me how scary social media can be at times.

Anyhoo, the nice lady asked about my complaint, and I went through the saga of trying to get on the account and having to wait, and all of that, and how I’ve yet to receive a bank card.

She then explained to me that I didn’t have a bank card because…wait for it…the box next to “Yes, I want a bank debit card” was not checked off.

Say what?

So…to get this straight…despite me asking if I’d filled out everything correctly on the forms back in November and handing them in, and being told I did, and despite going into the branch in January and asking how long it would take to get the bank card and being told a week or so, and despite going in two and a half weeks ago, explaining I hadn’t gotten my card, and the teller looking it up and telling me it’d been issued and should arrive at my house within a week…no card had actually been issued. Ever.

That thunking noise? That’s my head hitting a wall.

The polite woman on the phone then suggested that maybe I should have come into the branch to talk to someone.

more thunking noises. I then explained that I had gone into the branch, in person, and had talked to a live human being. Twice. Josh was with me the one time, I have a witness to that. And was told that my card had been ordered and was being sent just two weeks ago.

I got an “oh..” sort of response to that. I think she finally saw why I was feeling a bit frustrated.

So now, a card is being issued. And will arrive in 3-4 days at the branch. So I can go into the branch, in person, to pick it up. You know, to speed up the process. Or for them to get a good look at the annoying American woman who’s causing all sorts of problems.

And that is the update. So, if you want to get a company’s notice, just put it on Twitter and they will find you. Which actually, saved me from having to drag my sick sorry carcass into the local branch. So in a way, while a bit creepy they were able to track me down in about 16 hours, I can now spend the time I would have spent at the bank to lay on the couch and die a little until kids get home from school.

Feb 21 2012

Dear Ulster Bank

I’m hoping that by writing this vent, my bank card will magically appear through my letter slot tomorrow morning.

You know – 3 months after I applied to get on the bank account my husband opened with you?

Three months ago, I finally got the right paperwork together to get on the account (after going in the first time with the waste disposal bill, which on your website was considered proof of address but in person at your bank did not qualify, which meant waiting a few more weeks to get officially on a different bill, and going in a second time only to realize I’d left my passport at home and therefore had no valid-to-you proof of identification. Side Note – Irish Government – why issue us a card with name and address and all on it, and then state it can’t be used as an ID?)

Three months ago, I was told it would take a couple weeks to be fully on the account, card in hand.

Three. Months. Ago.

November.

So in January, when I hadn’t heard a darn thing from you, I called the local branch. Only to get routed to the main call line, only to be told they couldn’t help me, I had to talk to the local branch, so they took my information and said I’d hear back from them. A week later, I tried again, got the same run around, and yet again, heard back from no one. So after a few days, we went to the branch itself.

In person, the teller called over someone else, who said “One moment”, went into The Back, came back out and said “You should be on the account in a couple days, and have your card within the week.”

Turns out, my paperwork was held up because someone forgot to sign something somewhere. As neither Josh nor I were asked to sign anything that day, I’m assuming this wasn’t our oversight.

That week, we received a new credit book (which is good for like paying rent, but as that’s directly withdrawn, it’s pointless), with both our names on it. Proof that I was at least on the account.

A week later, no card.

A week later, still no card. Another trip to the branch so I could at least pull cash happened, and I was told that my card should arrive by the end of the week.

That was on a Saturday. Over two weeks ago.

Guess what has yet to appear at my house?

All I want is my debit card. I did everything I was asked to do. I’ve been beyond patient. I just want my debit card, so I can do wild and crazy things like pay bills and buy groceries. It would make our lives much easier if we didn’t have to play “Who has the debit card?”.

And yes, tomorrow, if this crappy cold hasn’t done me in, I will be making yet another trek down to the local branch where I expect to hear “It should be there within the week.” If I should happen to say “I don’t believe you, you damned dirty liars.”, please, understand where I’m coming from.

THREE MONTHS.

grr.

Jan 25 2012

Dear Pinterest

For those of you who have yet to discover it, Pinterest is a place for people to “pin” what interests them on the web. Usually links to recipes, or funny geek stuff, or crafts. In other words, a great big time suck. Carry on…

I must be honest – I have a love/hate relationship with you, sweet time-sucking Pinterest.

On one hand, you are very handy. You help me find things I need a visual for in my writing. You’ll also full of handy stuff like recipes and crafting tips and ideas for home storage. If I’m bored, I can hop on and glance through and find things of interest or to make me laugh.

But then there is the darker side of you, Pinterest. The side no one will say to your face.

You dish up unrealistic expectations with a side of guilt.

Don’t deny it. The proof is all there on your pages. The “Perfect Wedding” pins are a prime example.

You can’t just get engaged anymore. Oh no. Now, according to you, Pinterest, a guy must have a photographer hidden away to take 392 photos of that moment he gets down on one knee on that rustic wooden bridge over the sparkling river or other ideal setting. Because obviously, you need pictures of that moment. Then, as a bridal gift, the groom can frame those pictures for her to unwrap and weep happy tears over on the morning of the wedding.

After that, you have to have your ever-so-creative “save the date!” photos done and sent out, the words “Save the Date” and the wedding date spelled out on balloons or the soles of your shoes or your sunglasses. Once those are complete – according to what I’ve seen on Pinterest – you must then find the perfect wedding venue – a barn or outdoors theme with fabric draping and candles in jars – and the table settings must involve the most creative way of putting people in the correct seat. This usually involves chalkboard paint or art deco printables that you can make yourself. And candles in jars. There should always be candles in jars. I don’t care if it’s a daytime wedding – Pinterest has 49183 ways of putting candles in a jar, your wedding will not be complete without it!

Once you’re married, you think the pressure is off. You’ve done all the Pinterest-correct things, including the Very Creative Wedding Party Photo Shoot followed by the Very Creative Bride and Groom Portrait.

But according to you, bastard Pinterest, we now have two choices - create the Dream Home…or have a baby.

It’s funny – in a way, having a baby seems less of a challenge in the Pinterest world than creating the Dream Home. Or at least less expensive. Creating the Dream Home requires the rustic/sleek kitchen with the coordinating and creative storage and granite countertops, with pewter sink features and cabinet handles. The Dream Home also has to have the proper coordinating paint jobs, the cozy fireplace and vintage chairs set up, and a wall of photos you have Mod Podged onto canvas yourself. All of them black and white of course. You can’t just go to Ikea and say “Yeah, I’ll take a few bookcases and that couch.” Oh no! Your bathroom must be big and with faded antique shutters leaning gracefully along the wall. Your mantle must be decorated with felted acorns you crafted yourself. Your patio table should be long and ready to feed twelve, with candles in jars scattered about to add to the ambiance (so whatever you do, make sure you save some from your wedding!) In your kitchen, there will be a place for Family Organization, the fridge will be painted with chalkboard paint where you write up your meal plan, and cloth napkins will be folded neatly into a wicker basket.

Eventually though, you will have to have that baby. And according to Pinterest, you must do things just right. You must do some creative photos to announce your pregnancy, to show off your belly. No slightly out of focus picture of you in front of your closet door will suffice! Have you learned nothing from your time on Pinterest? It MUST be Creative! Or else you will be the worst mother on the planet, failing before the child has exited the womb!

Hopefully you have that uniquely creative nursery set up at least. What? You don’t? You haven’t made a mobile out of origami swans in rainbow colors? You haven’t set up your Star Wars themed crib set? You haven’t broken the mold and done up your gender-neutral nursery in shades of yellow and teal, with vintage suitcases stacked up for storage and netting draped around the crib? Have you at least crocheted the heirloom blanket or arranged for the newborn photography session?

Well, at least you can add that to your Bucket List, along with Sitting on the Great Wall of China and Learning How to Surf. Which you’ll do sometime between trying the 28 new vegan recipes you pinned today, making a votive candle from a clementine, and figuring out if you can actually cut a bottle with nail polish remover, string and a lighter.

By the way Pinterest – if that last one fails, I’m suing you for the damages. But don’t worry, if it fails, I can find an inspirational quote telling me how failure is just success trying or some crap like that.

Yes Pinterest, I have a love/hate relationship with you. I confess, I wouldn’t know all of the above information if I haven’t spent hours browsing your site, pinning stuff, thinking “Oh, maybe I can actually do that!” while knowing deep down that I probably won’t ever try cutting a liquor bottle in half with string, nail polish remover, and a lighter in an attempt to make a candle holder. I’ve got scads of stuff pinned onto different boards, and I’m the first one to drag someone into the Time Suck that is your website, dear sweet Pinterest. But I refuse to hold myself up to the standards of perfection that ooze inbetween each pin, like a dusting of glitter guilt.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sew antique buttons onto fabric into a letter H to frame and hang on our wall by the Mod Podged photo display I intend to create from my children’s baby pictures.

Jan 15 2012

Dear Starbucks

Thank you for your Starbucks Via packets.

No, really!

As a tired mom with four kids, and a new puppy, there are mornings I solely get up so I can turn on my shiny electric kettle, heat up water, open up a packet of your Via instant coffee and mix it with some milk and sugar.

See, when we moved to Ireland, we didn’t bring our coffee maker (it was leaking and it wouldn’t work here anyway.) We had a French press, but no coffee grinder. Then the French press got broken. My husband went on a six month journey to find a coffee grinder and coffee pot he actually wanted that wasn’t 500 euro. Meanwhile, I had no coffee.

mmm...coffee

Now, I had tried your Via instant coffee when it first came out – picking up the mocha and caramel flavors. I didn’t really like them and gave them to a friend. But one day, while in line at Starbucks here, I saw just regular Via packets and thought “Oh, what the heck.”

Go figure, I like them. I like them a lot. I’m on my second cup today.

I’m no coffee aficionado. I just want some brew in my big mug that’s caffeinated. I usually stock different strengths, and keep little packets of the decaf version around for my one daughter, who has decided to be a coffee drinker as well.

But the highest praise came from my husband, who is a coffee aficionado, who stated “It doesn’t suck.” It doesn’t suck enough that even now that he has a new French press and a coffee grinder, he will still opt for a cup of the Via once in a while.

So thank you, for making one little section of my life easier. That said, it would be nicer if someone just delivered a mocha to my door every morning, but the only place I know of that loves me enough that they would do that for me, I left back in Michigan.

Note – I was not paid or compensated in any way for this review. But if Starbucks wants to send me more coffee…well…I wouldn’t say no!

Sep 1 2011

Dear Apple…again…

Apple, sweetie, I really want to like you. I do. I’m even typing this out on a Macbook that I chose out of all the other laptops available for me to chose from at home. I want to be a little fangirl, all happy with my Apple product, petting it, showing it off proudly at coffee shops while secretly mocking those with lesser machines, buying it pretty cases to cart it about in.

Instead, I just want to punch the crap out of it before chucking it all out a window.

The thing is, it’s not really the Macbook’s fault. Or the iPod’s. I do blame iTunes a bit, which spent 45 minutes updating and restarting my computer only to freaking freeze up on me. Seriously. Write better software for iTunes.

All I wanted to do was move the music from my iTunes account on my Vaio to the Macbook. I had already set up the “please share my library” thing it told me to do. Then I thought “Hmmm, what would happen if I plugged in the iPod to the Mac?”

Wow, that was a stupid move.

My iPod instantly went into lockdown. iTunes wouldn’t recognize it. After about fifteen minutes, I decided to be risky – I disconnected it when it clearly stated “Do Not Disconnect”. And then found out why you don’t do that. Because if you do, the whole dang iPod locks up and I have to search how to un-lock up it.

Meanwhile, on the Vaio, it said “Do you want to update iTunes?” No, not really…but I will. Forty-five minutes later, I’m restarting my computer finally to make it all work, open iTunes, try plugging the iPod into that computer….and iTunes freezes up like a deer in headlights. I have to shut it down, blah blah boring tech blah…

As I close in on the two hour point of this mess, I can’t help but hear voices, mocking me…”Oh, I luuurve Apple products! They’re soooo easy to use! If you use Apple products, unicorns will show up at your door and sneeze glitter on your house and fold your laundry!”

such a lie.

I’m not technologically inept. I’m actually pretty damn good at figuring stuff out. Which is how I made it this far without actually taking a hammer to the iPod and making it smash to bits as I cackle with insane joy at the sheer destruction of the thing most irritating me and wasting my time. I have figured it all out, and things are now working…only once again, the computers are holding my iPod hostage while it copies over my library of 2012 songs onto the Mac.

sigh.

Like I said – I want to like you. I do like my three year old iPod, which can take a beating, get dropped and not crack, and it’s 80 gig of memory. It’s a nice little brick. But really – either fix iTunes or stop telling people how damned easy it is to use, you filthy dirty liars. I’ve wasted two hours of the first day that all my kids have been in school at the same time in the past 8 months on this. This is NOT how I planned this morning to be.

love,

the woman who has apparently been cursed by Steve Jobs and has to fold her own dang laundry as no Apple-branded unicorn has appeared to do it for her

p.s. – I know this post will bring out people who will want to tell me that somehow, I’m wrong to be frustrated with iTunes and the iPod and the Macbook and Steve Jobs’s curse upon me, who have had Apple-branded unicorns show up at their house to sneeze glitter, fart rainbows and fold their laundry while iTunes updates smoothly and their iPods never freeze up while they easily manipulate their shiny Macbooks and iPods and never had a problem. Maybe I they are all right and I am doing it all wrong, or not right, or in the wrong order. Tell you what…send me some shiny new Apple products – a new Macbook Pro and whatever is the latest generation of the iPod and a $500 iTunes gift cards and I’ll see how things work for me then, ‘kay? In the meantime, I’m allowed to be frustrated at this 2+ hour process. And the lack of backspace key and SD card reader on the Macbook.

Dec 23 2010

Dear Santa

Hi there. I know it’s late in the game for you, but I have two wishes…

First, I’d like you to leave large amounts of coal for whatever twit took the stack of Christmas cards I left in the car – all stamped, sealed and ready to deliver – took them and ripped several open, scattering the rest along the road. If you don’t have coal, I’m sure you can find something appropriate for this particular grinch who stole my Christmas cards.

After that, I would like you to find something extra-special for the very nice neighbor, who found the discarded cards on the side of the road, picked them all up, and returned them to my in-law’s house. She proved that for one stinker in the world, there is at least one more nice person. She deserves something good this year.

Love,

The woman who is locking the doors of her car from now on….

Sep 4 2010

Dear Nutri-grain

Hi there! A commercial for your cereal bars just came on tv. It shows a woman who in the morning, has to choose what to eat for breakfast….on the left side of the screen is her choosing a chocolate croissant. On the right side, she chooses a Nutri-grain bar.

It shows the left and right woman going through the day, eating along the way. The chocolate croissant woman eats brownies and pizza and chips. The Nutri-grain bar doppelgänger eats fruits and salads. The moral of the story – if you have a Nutri-grain cereal bar for breakfast, you will make all sorts of healthy food choices throughout the day.

Bullshit.

I’ve bought your product…until we switched over to the Market Pantry brand that’s just as good yet cheaper. I’ve eaten Nutri-grain bars in the past, and let me tell you, they don’t make me crave salads later on in the day. And while my son went through a phase where a cereal bar was the only thing he wanted for breakfast, for lunch, he would still much rather scarf a pizza than a healthy bowl of vegetables.

Thanks for the false advertising, but it’s not working for me. Actually, I now want a chocolate drizzled croissant. The reality is, your commercial promoting healthy eating makes me crave junk. How’s that for irony?

Jul 1 2010

A Letter to M. Night Shyamalan

*be warned, this letter will have plot spoilers to the movie “The Last Airbender”. Skip if you don’t want to learn about the movie. You have been warned.*

Dear Mr. Shyamalan,

Today, the husband and I took our four children to see your version of Avatar: The Last Airbender. The kids were especially excited to see this movie, as they are huge fans of the tv show. Even us parents couldn’t wait to see it.

Now, usually we wait for movies to go to the little local theater that shows one movie a week for $3 per person, as taking a family of six to the movies can get quite expensive. But seeing The Last Airbender was such a big deal for us, that we parents chose to pony up the cash to see it in 3-D. It was going to be a special treat for our kids.

Instead, it was a big huge disappointment. To quote my fourteen-year-old – “They butchered it.”

I assumed you never actually watched the tv series. To my shock, I read on Wikipedia that indeed, you have watched the series. Which makes me have to ask the first question – Why were half the names pronounced differently? Aang, Sokka, Avatar, Iroh - all mispronounced. It was the first thing my nine-year-old daughter stated after the movie was over – “They didn’t even say Aang’s name right!”

Next, let’s discuss the storyline. If one wasn’t familiar with the tv series, the movie made absolutely no sense. It skipped about here and there, sort of touching on this and that, but never coherently coming together. We had a few moments of “Aang didn’t do that.” and “That’s not how it went in the tv series.” What can I say? We’re sticklers for consistency. Though really, in the scene with Aang rallying the Earthbenders…you had them in a camp and not a boat? Surrounded by dirt? Really? That made zero sense in the movie.

All the bending? Now that could have been cool. Instead, there seemed to be lots of build-up to produce not that much. In the tv show, they move their hand and boom – bending. In the movie, three minutes of tai chi to produce a ball of water. I will give the actors credit – their movements were very well done. But it was overdone for minor results.

Mind you, we might have forgiven the lousy script and weird bending moves if the characters were at least portrayed correctly. But even that you got all kinds of wrong. Zuko’s scar was barely noticable. In the tv series, his scar is that visible reminder to him and all who sees him of how he lost his honor, why he’s the bitter boy hunting the Avatar. In the movie, it was almost nothing. Katara was not the strong yet nurturing girl. Iroh and the Fire Lord didn’t look anything like their animated counterparts. Momo is an afterthought. But most disappointing to my children was the character of Sokka. They love Sokka and his crazy ways. The one thing my oldest kept saying during the previews for the movie was “I hope they get Sokka’s sense of humor right.” Not only didn’t you get it right, you didn’t get it at all. It wasn’t there. It didn’t exist. There was no humor in this film at all.

At the end of the day, we found the movie The Last Airbender to be a slightly depressing, disjointed disappointment that wasn’t even really 3-D. My children spent the next two hours afterwards talking about all that was wrong with it. It’s not like my children are Siskel and Ebert. They usually enjoy movies. But this one will stick with them forever as being their first big movie disappointment. I can’t blame them. I can’t remember the last time I wished for my money back after watching a movie.

We are going to give you a second chance and hope you get Book Two right. My children have all offered their services if you need help with the script or directing. But we decided already to save our money and not see another 3-D version. We may just rent it. Meanwhile, we shall still love the tv series. That at least is fun to watch.

Mar 13 2010

Two Letters

Dear Whole Foods Shoppers -

Listen you, I have kids. I want to feed them in a healthy manner. I’m just as conscious about my food as you are, if not more. I’m trying to teach my kids healthy food habits. Ergo, I will oftentimes bring said children into your mecca of healthy eating. Despite their small shopping carts, Whole Foods is not a store that caters to just the single person or couple. It caters to all who want to pay too much for organic chemical free foods. Please stop eyeing my kids as if I’ve brought a pack of rabid monkeys into the store. Especially when they are behaving. And please stop trying to kill us in the parking lot. Try looking where you’re going when you drive.

Thanks,

Me.

Dear Whole Foods Staff -

Thank you for being such a great group of workers. You guys make my shopping experience worthwhile. Never have I gotten a cross-eyed look from any of you. You all have been courteous and helpful with a smile. You’ve even gone out of your way to entertain my kids, including telling one about every fish in the case once. Never have you frowned upon my child for screaming over not being able to push the cart. I appreciate that.

Thanks,

The woman who keeps bringing kids into your store

Feb 16 2010

To the lady at Target

Dear lady at Target,

As a mom, I understand the need to deal with situations with our kids in the actual moment. However, I did not appreciate being your “teaching moment” with your little girl today.

Oh, yes, I did hear you. It was hard not to as I was down the aisle from where you were berating her for allegedly staring at me. I heard every word you said to her, about how horribly rude it was to stare at someone and how you weren’t going to stand for that kind of rudeness. Sure, you daughter who looked to be about four or five years old started to cry and said she only stared because she thought I was someone she knew, and she begged you to stop talking about it so loudly. But you stood firm, and kept going on about how rude she was to stare, how wrong it was, and that her behavior towards that lady was horrible. That lady being me.

Let me tell you that honestly, in my opinion, the only rude person in that aisle was you. Like I said, I’m all for correcting behavior in the moment. But what you did was basically public humiliation, not to mention extremely uncomfortable for me to have to stand there and listen to you as I got hand soap as quickly as possible so I could leave not have to listen to you tell your daughter how rude she was anymore.

In other words, next time you decide to teach your daughter a lesson, do it quietly and kindly. And leave other people out of it.