Rant – Celebrity Post-Baby Bodies

They’re everywhere.  Celebrities having babies.  And then two to six weeks later, the issue where the same celebrity holds their precious tiny bundle, glowing, smiling, with headlines proclaiming “How She Lost Her Baby Weight!” and “Her Inside Secrets On Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back!”  They go on talk shows, wearing circulation-threatening dresses (preferably in red) as the host exclaims “You look fabulous!  And you just had twins???  Wow!  You’re amazing!”

And then this celebrity, because she hasn’t lost touch with her roots, her block, her humble beginnings, sits down for an interview about how they lost said baby weight.  With inspiring tales about how any woman can lose their baby weight if they just follow their advice.  They’ll talk about how hard it is to workout after having a baby, and they understand what any mother is going through, but if we really want this, we’d make it a priority as they did.  And then in six to eight weeks, we too can look fabulous.

Thanks for the advice, Celebrity Friend.  But can I share something with you?  Come closer…closer…

Here’s my advice to you – Shush.

No, really, be quiet.  Do not share your dieting tips with me.  Or your exercise tips.  Or your motivational quotes like “If it’s actually important to you, you’ll find the time.”  Just be quiet.

See, in the real world, the one outside Hollywood, life is different.  Unlike you, I don’t have access to a personal chef who will prepare low-calorie all organic vegetarian meals for me.  I don’t have a personal assistant to run errands for me.  And I certainly don’t have a nanny who watches my precious bundles while I work out for two hours a day with my personal training in my home gym.

Oh, I’d like to make getting fit a priority.  I’m trying to actually.  Unlike you, Hollywood Mom, I have to do it all on my own.  If I want to go to a gym, I have to get in  my car and schlep thirty minutes (because I live at the edge of the boonies.)  If I have kids with me, I have to make sure the daycare is open.  Now, our YMCA does have nice facilities, and a nice daycare, but last time I left Maura there, she ate paper, which got lodged, causing an unfortunate incident in a Qdoba bathroom where she spewed fruit punch on me in true Exorcist fashion.  So I stopped leaving her at the daycare.  Which limits the time I can get to the gym.

I could buy home gym equipment but have you seen the prices?  Wow!  I have to wait until I find the right deal on Craig’s List.  Unlike you, Celebritymom, who I’m sure could get the top of the line product delivered to your home, bought at an actual store that sells such things and not Craig’s List or Sam’s Club.

As for eating – I would love to eat fresh organic made from scratch meals every day.  I do try to cook as much as possible, and not eat junk food.  Just ask my kids, they will inform you our pantry is sadly lacking in junk.  The reality is, I’d have to prepare and cook it all myself, plus clean up after everything.  Not to mention the cost of organic food – if I eat all organic, I’ll never be able to buy a treadmill, even off Craig’s List.

But most of all, I think the problem is, my first priority isn’t losing weight or getting into shape.  Unlike Hollywood Moms, my looks aren’t my meal ticket.  I don’t have to look fabulously ten pounds underweight at all times.  My vocation allows for a certain chubbiness.  Looking good is a perk, not a necessity.  Heck, there have been times in  my chosen career that if I didn’t have poop or spit up on me, I was having a dang good day!  Now, I do feel it’s good to be healthy and be a good example for my kids.  I also know that having a special needs child adds to that.  See, I have to live forever so I can take care of her.  That requires healthy living. 

I’m trying.  I really am.  Since December, I’ve lost twenty pounds.  I do have more to lose.  But it’s not going to happen overnight and it certainly isn’t going to be done in six to eight weeks.  I’m not going to have a staff of people making it easy for me either.  I actually have people working against me (I refer to my sweet children of course, lol!) 

But do not tell me to just make the time.  You don’t live my life.  Because let me tell you, me chosing to work out in my living room to some video in the middle of a day that consists of doctor appointments, grocery shopping, loads of laundry, fixing screens the dog busted, searching for a missing shoe, feeding children over and over again, dishes, garbage, more laundry, wiping unknown substances off children, remembering to give the right child the right  medication, changing diapers and so on and so forth…finding time to exercise during all that is more dedication than your daily appointment with your personal trainer. 

In other words – be quiet.  Your advice is not relevant here.