Imagine Maura, standing at the back door, hair dripping, shirt soaked. It had rained last night.
Me – “Maura, did you put your face in a puddle?”
Maura (with water droplets falling onto her face) – “No.”
Me – “Maura, are you lying?”
Maura – “No.” A moment later – “Hair wet!”
Yes, yes it is dear child who doesn’t know the difference between yes and no.
Later that morning…
I tell Sean to clean out the sink, including the items in the sink. I come back later to find him using the long handled scrub brush on a pan.
Me – “Um Sean, did you use soap?”
Sean, looking confused, holding up the scrub brush – “Well, I’m just using this.”
Me – “Sean, you need to use soap.” Glancing at clear glass pot lid that’s on the drying rack looking not clean. “Did you use soap on this?”
“No.” Sean grabs container of soap and dumps about a half cup of it into the pan.
Later on, I rewash the items he “cleaned”. And I now know why the dishes never look clean when he does them.
Lunchtime rolls around. Collin asks if he can cook some of the popcorn chicken I got yesterday. I say yes. Ten minutes later he emerges with a plate piled with 57 pieces of popcorn chicken (or so…I didn’t actually count.)
Me, sarcastically – “Gee, is that enough?”
Collin, not sarcastically – “Maybe.”
Miriam comes in from the back yard. “Mom, there’s a pile of feathers and what looks like part of a bird in the back yard.”
Sure enough, there are a pile of feathers, and possibly some bird intestines (which I told Mim was a worm). But what she thought were two red eyeballs looking up at her from the pile of carnage was in actuality two berries from a tree. Which greatly relieved Miriam. But it does look like a bird exploded back there, leaving nothing but a pile of feathers. I’m just grateful there’s no corpse to deal with.
A few minutes ago…suspicious footsteps over my head, coming from my bedroom. Which I’m not in. And the older three know better than to go in. Go up to investigate…it’s empty…but two jars of lotion are on my bed, lids off, and my eye shadow brush is coated in face cream. Maura is now pouting because I “yelled” at her, and then banished her from my room forever.
Sadly, she knows neither what it means to be banished, nor what the word “forever” means. But she gets it when I say “NO!” sternly while shaking a creamy make up brush at her. Sadly, that brush…was a replacement for the one she ruined painting my walls with toilet water.
And so my day goes on. The good news is that when the Tesco delivery guy comes with my food order, there are a couple bottles of wine in there. It was on sale. And I’ll have earned a glass of it by the end of this day if things keep going on the way they do.
The funny part? This is just standard normal every day goings on. Well…except maybe the exploding bird part. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to help Maura put her winter gloves on.