Dear Pinterest

For those of you who have yet to discover it, Pinterest is a place for people to “pin” what interests them on the web. Usually links to recipes, or funny geek stuff, or crafts. In other words, a great big time suck. Carry on…

I must be honest –  I have a love/hate relationship with you, sweet time-sucking Pinterest.

On one hand, you are very handy.  You help me find things I need a visual for in my writing.  You’ll also full of handy stuff like recipes and crafting tips and ideas for home storage.  If I’m bored, I can hop on and glance through and find things of interest or to make me laugh.

But then there is the darker side of you, Pinterest.  The side no one will say to your face.

You dish up unrealistic expectations with a side of guilt.

Don’t deny it.  The proof is all there on your pages.  The “Perfect Wedding” pins are a prime example.

You can’t just get engaged anymore.  Oh no.  Now, according to you, Pinterest, a guy must have a photographer hidden away to take 392 photos of that moment he gets down on one knee on that rustic wooden bridge over the sparkling river or other ideal setting.  Because obviously, you need pictures of that moment.  Then, as a bridal gift, the groom can frame those pictures for her to unwrap and weep happy tears over on the morning of the wedding.

After that, you have to have your ever-so-creative “save the date!” photos done and sent out, the words “Save the Date” and the wedding date spelled out on balloons or the soles of your shoes or your sunglasses.  Once those are complete – according to what I’ve seen on Pinterest – you must then find the perfect wedding venue – a barn or outdoors theme with fabric draping and candles in jars – and the table settings must involve the most creative way of putting people in the correct seat.  This usually involves chalkboard paint or art deco printables that you can make yourself.  And candles in jars.  There should always be candles in jars. I don’t care if it’s a daytime wedding – Pinterest has 49183 ways of putting candles in a jar, your wedding will not be complete without it!

Once you’re married, you think the pressure is off.  You’ve done all the Pinterest-correct things, including the Very Creative Wedding Party Photo Shoot followed by the Very Creative Bride and Groom Portrait.

But according to you, bastard Pinterest, we now have two choices  – create the Dream Home…or have a baby.

It’s funny – in a way, having a baby seems less of a challenge in the Pinterest world than creating the Dream Home.  Or at least less expensive.  Creating the Dream Home requires the rustic/sleek kitchen with the coordinating and creative storage and granite countertops, with pewter sink features and cabinet handles.  The Dream Home also has to have the proper coordinating paint jobs, the cozy fireplace and vintage chairs set up, and a wall of photos you have Mod Podged onto canvas yourself.  All of them black and white of course.  You can’t just go to Ikea and say “Yeah, I’ll take a few bookcases and that couch.”  Oh no!  Your bathroom must be big and with faded antique shutters leaning gracefully along the wall.  Your mantle must be decorated with felted acorns you crafted yourself.  Your patio table should be long and ready to feed twelve, with candles in jars scattered about to add to the ambiance (so whatever you do, make sure you save some from your wedding!)  In your kitchen, there will be a place for Family Organization, the fridge will be painted with chalkboard paint where you write up your meal plan, and cloth napkins will be folded neatly into a wicker basket.

Eventually though, you will have to have that baby.  And according to Pinterest, you must do things just right.  You must do some creative photos to announce your pregnancy, to show off your belly.  No slightly out of focus picture of you in front of your closet door will suffice!  Have you learned nothing from your time on Pinterest?  It MUST be Creative!  Or else you will be the worst mother on the planet, failing before the child has exited the womb!

Hopefully you have that uniquely creative nursery set up at least.  What? You don’t?  You haven’t made a mobile out of origami swans in rainbow colors?  You haven’t set up your Star Wars themed crib set?  You haven’t broken the mold and done up your gender-neutral nursery in shades of yellow and teal, with vintage suitcases stacked up for storage and netting draped around the crib?  Have you at least crocheted the heirloom blanket or arranged for the newborn photography session?

Well, at least you can add that to your Bucket List, along with Sitting on the Great Wall of China and Learning How to Surf.    Which you’ll do sometime between trying the 28 new vegan recipes you pinned today, making a votive candle from a clementine, and figuring out if you can actually cut a bottle with nail polish remover, string and a lighter.

By the way Pinterest – if that last one fails, I’m suing you for the damages. But don’t worry, if it fails, I can find an inspirational quote telling me how failure is just success trying or some crap like that.

Yes Pinterest, I have a love/hate relationship with you.  I confess, I wouldn’t know all of the above information if I haven’t spent hours browsing your site, pinning stuff, thinking “Oh, maybe I can actually do that!” while knowing deep down that I probably won’t ever try cutting a liquor bottle in half with string, nail polish remover, and a lighter in an attempt to make a candle holder.  I’ve got scads of stuff pinned onto different boards, and I’m the first one to drag someone into the Time Suck that is your website, dear sweet Pinterest.  But I refuse to hold myself up to the standards of perfection that ooze inbetween each pin, like a dusting of glitter guilt.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sew antique buttons onto fabric into a letter H to frame and hang on our wall by the Mod Podged photo display I intend to create from my children’s baby pictures.