And then I failed at being a girl

I had someplace to go where I decided I needed to be somewhat respectable looking.  Not dressed up, but certainly not “I’ve been schlumping about the house, the water was turned off for 5 hours while the plumber fixed the line AGAIN, oh God, did I even brush my teeth today” state I’d been in.  It wasn’t worthy of a shower at 3:30 in the afternoon, but I thought there was some sprucing up I could do.

I glanced down at my chipped sparkly nail polish covered in craft paint and thought “Hmmm…that doesn’t scream “I’m reliable!”.” and decided to take it off.  Except, being a glitter formula, it wasn’t coming off very well.  I then remembered the gal at Ulta saying how this particular glitter blend was a bit like taking off gel manicures.  Soon, my cotton pad soaked with nail polish remover was caught on all the now jagged edges of glitter polish, and melding with it in a weird spider-webby appearance.

Awesome, I thought.  Then I thought about how back in 1989 my mom had that nail polish remover in a jar with the sponge, and you’d stick your fingers in there and twist and bam! Nail polish removed.

I didn’t have one of those.  But I did think to stick my nail in the polish remover cap full of remover.

It only worked slightly better.  Or not.

After enough time and a couple more soaks in the cap of polish remover, I finally got the silvery cottony gunk removed from my fingers, and was now behind schedule.  Fine then, make up.  Make up always makes you look more put together.

Unless you decide to use that new “tight lining” wand of stuff you got at your last visit to Ulta.

What is tight lining, you may ask?  It’s when you apply eyeliner to the underneath area of your upper eyelids.  Or, you know how back in 1989, to get that great black eye gunk look, you’d drag your lower eyelid down and run your Wet ‘n Wild eyeliner across the inside of the lid?  It’s that, but with the upper lid.  Some gal at Ulta did it to my eyes, and it does look good, but I blink SO much that I can’t do it to myself.  Probably because you shouldn’t be jabbing the inside of your eyelids with a pencil.  Anyway, I got this tight lining thing by someone, and it said it worked as a tight liner, primer, and mascara.

What it is is a tiny narrow mascara wand that you press against the lash line, to create the effect of tight lining.  Which would work better if the wand wasn’t so dang straight and your eyes curved in shape.  First try, nothing happened.  Second try, I got a lovely gob of black in the center of my eyelid.  Then I kind of began to get the hang of it and just as I almost had it, I missed and blinked and smeared the crap all over my eyelid.  I wiped, retried, and ended up having it not quite even and my middle eyelashes somewhat stuck together.

I grabbed the coordinating mascara and started to try to layer that on.  Only for it to go on a bit thick as well.  I tried to balance it out but instead made it all worse.  I now had that spider lash look, which doesn’t reek of the well-put together woman. I grabbed a spare mascara wand and tried combing it all out a bit so it wouldn’t be as clumpy.  Then I realized I still had a large black spot of tight liner in the center of one eye, so grabbed my black eyeliner pencil to try to balance it out. That didn’t work.  Instead, I managed to smear it in a different direction.

At this point I realized it wasn’t going to work, and the weight of the tight liner and mascara were beginning to cause my eyes to droop. It all had to come off.  I grabbed the heavy duty eye make-up remover and rubbed it on one eye…and then into it.  Which is not the best way to do it.  I tried wiping it off only to look like a goth girl who had been crying and might still be drunk.  I wiped more mascara off only for it to pool under and to the sides of my eyes. Of course, now I was blind in one eye, but I did discover that earlier in the day, when I had spilled glitter down my front, it had also stuck to my…décolletage.

And there I stood in my tiny bathroom, looking like a gothy unhappily drunk sparkly vampire wannabe with a squinty eye who smelled like nail polish remover.


I grabbed a less offensive make up remover, and managed to get the rest of the black shit and glitter off my face, and swiped on some of my standard mascara and lip gloss, and threw my hair into a pony tail.  I had given up on looking like a responsible adult and went for “dressed in something clean” and got to my thing on time instead.

I swear that usually, I’m not this big of a failure at being a girl.  But let me tell you, when I do fail, I go whole hog.  Hopefully someday, I’ll regain vision in that one eye.