Thoughts while trying to cut open a spaghetti squash

So, yeah, I’m one of the millions who have started on a more clean eating path this New Year. Let me state for the record though, that I thought about it mid-November…then thought about all the holiday food I’d miss out on and was like “Screw it, January’s a good start date as any.”

You can smell the commitment rolling off me, can’t you?

But I got a plan (Whole 30) and learned the plan, and prepped for the plan. And then nearly ditched the whole damn plan the first day in.


Because spaghetti squash.

My new nemisis
My new nemisis

“Try it!” healthy cooking blogs say. “It’s amazing!” they gush. “Better than spaghetti!” they blaspheme. So I bought some, because as my mother used to always say – anything tastes good smothered in red sauce.

“Oh, but be careful cutting it open, it can be a little tough.” the healthy cooking blogs warned.

They weren’t honest. They should have written “Get out a chainsaw or hatchet, this fecker’s made of steel.”

I got out my big knife, and tried to slice it. Nothing happened.

“Try scoring it with a smaller knife first.” They suggested. So I got out a smaller knife. Nothing happened the first time.

I got out the bread knife, because hey, maybe a serrated edge would be better.

It wasn’t.

So I grabbed the smaller knife again and worked the tip of it until I got past the hard outer shell, then pulled it out without slicing open my arm, and worked at it again. Repeat 353 times until I finally got one side cut open while wondering….

Who thought to cut open a spaghetti squash in the first place?

Seriously, who looked at this and thought “Mmmm…I bet that’s tasty”?

And how the hell did they manage to open it up to cook? With a hatchet? Probably a hatchet.

I had visions of using a hacksaw at this point. Instead, I went to cut through with the big knife again only to fear I was going to break it off in the squash as I tried to cut through the bottom bit. Then I realized I’d have to cut through the stem and went “Nope” – so cut off the top part instead with the smaller knife. I seriously thought I’d broken the knife a couple times, but that sound was the sound of the hard outer shell of the squash breaking off.

Three knives and 20 minutes later, I was wondering why anyone would cook spaghetti squash more than once because damn, this was too much work.

I also realized that to cook enough for the whole family, I’d have to cut open the second one. To which I said “feck that” and found a box of actual spaghetti for my offspring.

After an hour, I pulled the squash out of the oven…to find them overcooked. I didn’t get strands of spaghetti like stuff, I got mushy yellow stuff.

This is the point where I nearly flipped the proverbial table over and called it quits on the whole clean eating thing. Because I started this process at 4:30 – while hungry. It was now past 6 pm, and I was getting hangry.

But I calmed down, and remembered – Anything tastes good if you put enough red sauce on it.

So I did.

It wasn’t bad.

It wasn’t spaghetti in any way, but it was edible.

And the moral of the story is…well…I could use better knives. Or a kitchen hacksaw.