Halfway through the Whole 30 challenge and I haven’t killed anyone yet

17 Jan

So on January 2nd, I started the Whole 30 program.

See, on December 30th, my husband Josh said from across the room “What about Whole 30?” and I said “I dunno. A friend did it and lost, like, 20 lbs in a month.” and he was like “Hey, I can buy all the books off Amazon and get them delivered today.” and I was like “Eh, okay.”

December 31st, Josh asked me if I was okay. “Why?” I said. “Because you look like you’re in pain or something.”

No, I was just reading the rules for the Whole 30 plan. And maybe I did find it painful. No dairy. No grains. No legumes. No sugar. No cheating. No slip ups. No weighing. No measuring. No peanut butter. No peas. No beans. No rice. No soy. No alcohol. No vegan sweet potato chips even if they conformed to all the food rules. But oddly enough – yes to regular potatoes.

By the end of the book, I became resigned to doing this plan. Because it was December 31st and I had to do *something*. It was in front of me. What the hell? So I printed out a handy shopping list from their site, went to Whole Foods, read every friggen label. Stared at all the coconut/almond milk coffee creamers. Became one of those obnoxious people stressing out over not being able to find ghee. Handed over all my money to the cashier.


Day one started with a lot of food prep. I had a plan. I’d make spaghetti squash. We all know how that turned out. I spent an hour and a half hungry while making dinner. Because “no snacks” is one of the rules.

Day two found me cooking lots of meat. The hope was that if I could cook some stuff ahead, life would be easier.

It wasn’t.

Day four saw me wanting to stab people with one of my dull kitchen knives. Except all my knives were dirty. Everything in my kitchen was dirty. I had used everything trying to make meals out of the recipe section of the Whole 30 book.

Day 7 – at Whole Foods again

Cashier – So, how are you today?
Me – Well, I’m on this diet thing, so I want to stab people.

The first week, I went no where except the grocery store to get more Whole 30 compliant food. It was easier to hermit than to figure out how to either eat or avoid eating while out.

Day 10 – my friend calls

Friend – So, how is it going?
Me – I just want a fucking tablespoon of fucking whole milk in my fucking coffee, is that too much to fucking ask for?

Day 11 – my husband tries to make one meal easier on me and asks if I can have Mexican food.

Me – shrieking like a banshee – I DON’T KNOW IT DEPENDS ON WHAT THEY PUT IN THE FOOD

Day 12 – Josh cooks dinner but it’s not quite right for this plan, even though he tried. I contemplate having a glass of water for dinner because it’s easier than having to think about what to put in my face. Eventually I make what I call a “sad salad” – which has also been many of my lunches.

Day 14 – while at Target

Cashier – So, how’s it going?

Me – I’m on this “eating plan” that’s supposed to “change my life”. Which it will because by the end of the month I’ll probably be in jail for murdering someone.

I’m now on Day 17. I’m supposed to have “tiger blood” or some shit like that according to the book. It means I’m supposed to feel great and have lots of energy and my skin should be glowing enough that it’s seen from outer space.

Guess what I’ve got? Not any of that. What I do have is burgeoning food aversions, a cranky-ass attitude, and a fear that I’m developing an unhealthy relationship with food. I’m also prepping myself mentally for Day 31 – when you’re supposed to start to reintroduce all the foods you haven’t been eating. Not because I’m afraid one of them is going to make me feel bad. No, I’m more worried that after all this deprivation, I’m going to fall off the wagon spectacularly and undo any weight loss I’ve had from this.

Granted, the Whole 30 people will tell you – this is NOT a diet. And it’s not. It’s a way to become a control freak over how you eat. It’s got you reading bacon packages to find hidden sugar. It has you paying $7 for a bottle of vinaigrette so you can be “compliant”. You’re supposed to become more in tune with your body while breaking bad food habits. All I’ve gotten so far is a bad attitude. It’s supposed to be freeing – I’ve found it confining. I nearly cried in Whole Foods the other day over it all. I don’t feel any better. My psoriasis is still there – in fact, I’ve developed a new patch on my other eyelid, so now both eyelids have patches. Awesome.

I’d sick and tired of it all. But I’m sticking to it out of some sort of madness. Maybe because I need to lose weight. I need to do something. But after day 30, there will be no more Whole 30 in my life. This shit’s ridiculous.





4 Responses to “Halfway through the Whole 30 challenge and I haven’t killed anyone yet”

  1. Deanna M Rogowski January 17, 2017 at 8:01 pm #

    I love you!!! I bought the book… I read the book… hated everything about it. decided I would rather stay fat then become the mean shrieking banshee I know I would be if I tried to “do” the whole damn 30. I hope that in your second half you experience all of the joy though… the clear skin the lovely hair… the balanced hormones and all of the other advertised benefits. stay the course (if you want too) and tell us all how it goes at the end..

  2. Renee Anne January 18, 2017 at 2:37 pm #

    Whole30 is absolutely a diet plan. I don’t care what kind of box they want to package it in. They can say that it’s supposed to change your habits and get you eating healthier but at the end of the day, it’s still a diet to which you are required to conform in order for it to work. Also, I think it’s a crock of shit put forth by the good people at Whole Paycheck to, you know, make you spend your whole paycheck at Whole Foods.

    We’re doing a combination of the Lose It app and the RunKeeper app. Lose It is where we plug in everything (basic info like height, weight, how much we want to lose, a timeframe in which to lose it, blah blah blah) and it’s also the app where we record our daily calorie intake. We use RunKeeper when we go to the gym, out for a walk, and you can add exercises as you see fit (for example, knitting for 10 minutes burns about 18 calories, which isn’t a lot but if you knit for 2 hours straight, that’s almost 220 calories….or maybe it’s 18 minutes burns 10 calories….I can’t remember for sure). The only downside is that you have to be responsible for inputting your information and you have to be honest with yourself and not cheat. That’s where people have problems.

    So, you know what, stab something. Like yarn. You’ll feel better.

  3. One Mile Smile January 18, 2017 at 11:19 pm #

    Good luck with the rest of the month!

  4. What's On Lauri's Mind February 4, 2017 at 3:48 pm #

    Can’t wait to read how this turns out!

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