We all say it. We all are usually fudging a bit when we say it. Me? My pants are on fire when I say it, and yet I’ll still say it.
I’m not fine. I’m stressed. Okay, I’m beyond stressed. Stress begets stress. Anxiety begets anxiety. Depression comes along and says “Hey, can I join the fun?” Because who am I kidding? I probably am depressed. Considering that Seattle has just broken a 122 year record for most amount of rain and a severe lack of sunlight, my depression has a nice covering of moss.
It’s been so bad, my husband brought up moving to Austin, Texas and I actually considered it. And I loathe hot climates.
But here I am, curled up in a semi-fetal state, growing moss, and I’ll still say “I’m fine!” if you ask me how I am.
I lie because admitting anything else is just not in my playbook. We were raised not to whine or fuss or carry on or whatever the phraseology was 35 years ago. We suck it up, tough it out, and most of all, don’t complain.
I lie because I have to keep functioning. Because I don’t want to be fetal, and, more honestly, Maura’s not going to take care of herself. I mean, she could. But that’s how she ends up eating chocolate cake while wearing her sister’s choir concert dress. Not that that’s happened….this week….
I lie because honestly, rehashing all the ways I’m tired and stressed and anxious isn’t my idea of a good time. I’d rather talk about anything else.
Don’t worry though, I have trained professionals I can rehash to. Because I may lie to everyone around me, and maybe to myself for a while, but I can admit when it’s time to get help. Granted, that time was mid-panic attack which landed me in the doctor’s office three hours later, and when the nurse said “How are you doing?”, I said…
And then I laughed and said “Wow, that was such a lie.”
So no, I’m not in a great place. But I’m in a place, and it will get better, and at some point, “I’m fine” won’t be a lie. Just like this horrible winter season, the sun will eventually break through. Even if it means I buy a time share in Hawaii to find that sunshine.